From TES issue 10 (July 2001)

Series 2
Quest: The Sword of Justice.
Dungeoneer: Akash.
Advisors: Carrie, Kirsten, Tanya.
 
Level One: The quest begins with a choice of four doors. Akash is directed through the one that is furthest to the right. He next encounters the Troll, who is very keen to eat the dungeoneer. Treguard points out that with no spells or bribes, Akash will just have to convince the Troll that he is not good to eat. He succeeds in doing this well, leaving the Troll grateful to Akash for saving him from a stomachache. He gives the team the spell TRUTH. Then things start to go wrong. A bomb room follows, where the team take ages to pluck up the courage to direct their dungeoneer out. Amid shrieks of "Akash, Akash!", Kirsten finally succeeds in directing him out.
 
Igneous's chamber follows, and the wall monster poses three riddles that the team cannot answer. However, they score one by casting the TRUTH spell in answer to the first riddle. Igneous tells them of their quest and scorns Akash before disappearing. There is a gem, an ice pack and a bottle of poison on the table. All they really need is the ice pack, as they discover later, but they take the other two objects.
 
The [Great Corridor of the Catacombs] follows. A toadadile can be seen at the end. Panicking again, the team are faced with two exits, featuring a sword to the left and a cup to the right. Akash is directed straight to the right, forcing Treguard to cry in exasperation "What's your quest?!" Whispers of "sword" are then audible, and Akash is taken to the left. He emerges into Lillith's chamber. The sorceress has a very bad headache, and needs the ice pack to soothe it, but Akash does not have it. They try offering her the gem, but to no avail. Lillith claims her second of three victims as she takes the ground from under Akash's feet.
 
Summary: A hopeless team who were doomed from the start, but at least they were fun to watch.
 
Score: 1 out of 10.

[Previous team: Team 5 of Series 2
Next team: Team 7 of Series 2]

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For
Joe Grocott-James

From: Surrey
Quest: Sword but they may not wield it or even remember it!
Duration: 10 minutes 19 seconds
Result: Died on Level 1
Trivia: Only team to be unable to answer a single wall monster riddle. Only team in Season 2 to not start on Wheel of Fate

Characters: Igneous of Legend, Troll, Lillith
Clue Objects: Cauliflower, Ice Pack, Poison, Diamond
Spells: TRUTH

Quest Summary
Level 1, Final Thoughts

The Team

Akash (Dungeoneer)	Tanya
Carrie	Kirsten

Comments
The most infamous team on Knightmare and rightly so. Their quest was blundered from beginning to end and despite being given more than a fair chance they still screw it up abysmally. Akash might think that 3 girls means more brains but this is back in the days when girls still did enforced cooking and sewing rather than showing off their true abilities.
 
Level 1
"Where am I?" You're back in Season 1 in what looks to be a room that is not the Wheel of Fate! In what is a much needed change for the Season Akash turns up immediately in the good old four arch chamber. "Oh a simple decision team it's up to you to make the right choice", mutters Treguard following the teams description of the room as having a fire exit. They're quick to pick up on the hint of heading right and so go for the far right exit. So far so good some straight forward thinking and no signs of silliness.
And so Akash stumbles across the path of a troll, a very hungry troll too. "Not a lucky stop team this is a troll don't try to escape Akash the only fortunate thing in this encounter is that trolls aren't over burdened with intelligence you'll just have to use your wits." announces Treguard and he may be asking just a little too much for they failed to even identify the troll as such. "There's a big face!". "Quick team with no spells and no bribes you'll just have to persuade him that Akash is not good to eat", Treguard further prompts. The trolls interested in consuming Akash for breakfast despite him being considerably small and bony he does resemble a lovely goat. The team seem to find the suggestion of Akash being eaten highly amusing leaving us to wonder if they've really got his best interests at heart. They get one better than just walking past and in a once only incident the troll hands them a spell in the guise of TRUTH which is apparently very dangerous! So now we know why politicians never tell the truth. It seems incredibly odd that a spell should be handed out so early on and with it barely having been earned. Well the reason why will soon become all too clear.


"You're in a room and there's a bomb so you better get out." the astute adviser declares. "This team seems to hunt for trouble, quickly now the fuse is running." Treguard states with almost a sign of glee in his voice. But deciding that it will take several hours for the fuse to run out the team chose to study the situation carefully taking time to ensure they're guiding Akash through a door. But with the fuse suddenly running low they're prompted into action and tell Akash to run so he stops still to think about it, then he runs. Having completed this simple task the girls take time out to read their notes having forgotten their reading glasses by banging their heads upon their clipboards and giggling. Sadly this was before the days when Knightmare shipped losing teams off to mental institutions with run by characters called Snapper-Jack.
Since they've had such a great and unusual start for the quest the team is forced into the new clue room with none other than seasonal newcomer Igneous of Legend. "Well it seems you're on the right track at last. I was beginning to think you'd never make it to the clue room", Treguard never missing a chance to rub in a teams inept performance. "Please me or depart in ignorance" declares Igneous, looks like it'll be the latter. "Oh isn't he sweet and so predictable too", declares Treguard giving indication of possible future romances between dungeon master and wall monster. "I have three riddles and truth I seek".

1. Once was pride so great in man that monarch bade the waves retreat. Name me now this foolish King whose pride was soaked just like his feet.
Answer: King Canute
Answer Given: Spell Casting TRUTH
Result: Truth Accepted.

A considerably tough question if not the toughest ever to have appeared on Knightmare. The team don't know the legend of which Igneous speaks and it would surprise if many had for it is not one that is often retold. Also assuming Igneous is speaking of King Canute the riddle doesn't entirely fit since Canute was not a foolish man he purposely set out to prove people wrong. Therefore the teams "cheating" by spell casting TRUTH could be considered acceptable in this case. But there's more and we should hasten lest we feel the stony wrath of Igneous...

2. With this invention you may move great rocks without it roads may just as well have been footpaths.

Answer: The Wheel
Answer Given: A Bulldozer
Result: Falsehood
"Akash do you think it's a bulldozer?", asks one of the brigade. "Maybe", he replies. Treguard himself finds this pathetic answer amusing giggling like a little school girl whose just pinched the fat kids bum. The team barely even think their answer through. In fact it's as if they heard the first sentence and thought "oooo bulldozers move heavy rocks". Any avid viewer would know that answers to such riddles lie in the mundane and old. It's rather sad they don't even think to consider the second half of the riddle and realise that it is a riddle and not twenty questions.

3. One heavenly body lights the day, but tell me now which moves the waves.

Answer: The Moon
Answer Given: The Sun
Result: Falsehood

"I ain't got a clue", says Akash summing up his teams ridiculous riddle ability. Akash you might have picked the girls for their supposed brains but they're letting you down big time now. It's well established that the largest influence upon the tide is Luna (The Moon). Whilst it is so that the Sun also has an effect upon the tide it is marginal at best. In addition they neglected the fact that it is clearly not the Sun since this is the first part of the riddle. Once again showing the team fails to think straight and is poorly educated.

"One alone is the score, your quest is for the sword but you may not wield it. I scorn you. Rock I was and rock I now become."

"Quickly team take your food and make your choice." The team instruct Akash in how to walk towards the clearly visible table and in how to use his hands in order to pick up the Cauliflower. Once this process is complete they then proceed onto examining the clue objects:

A Diamond
An Ice Pack
A bottle of Poison

Deciding that Akash needs some liquid to wash down the Cauliflower with they instruct him to drink the poison killing him and putting an end to the quest. What? They didn't? Oh very well then, they quickly settle upon the diamond and poison almost ignoring the Ice Pack. Thus they've committed yet another sin, the one of never ignoring the totally random and wonderfully obscure clue object. But then if we were to examine them all on their individual merits with no hindsight all of them are potential candidates. If only they had gotten one of the simple riddles right. Fortunately they do exit to the right, about the only thing the team seem to know how to do...

Deciding that the team doesn't have enough to worry about what with trolls, bombs and easy riddles Treguard throws upon them the dreaded mutant green frog thing in the great corridor of the catacomb. "Get out quick team it's the great corridor of the catacomb. And what's worse something is coming!" once again Treguard having more than just a little sign of glee in his voice. The team pay heed to his warning and immediately embark in guiding Akash through the right exit. Of course this would all be fine if it weren't for the fact they've just been told by Igneous their quest is for the sword! And this door has a rather large cup in front of it.
Treguard (and probably the production team as well) is kind enough to forbid Akash from exiting where his team mates would have him go and instructs them to guide him through the door that represents their quest... The sword. It was plainly obvious from the start that it would be highly unlikely these team would get very far what with the noticeably edited start to their quest. Now they're just showing us how truly stupid they really are.
Finally something to finish this bunch off, Lillith in all her glory. Though it's the makeup lady's day off so no close ups this time around. "Be careful now team you must get past Lillith and the dear lady is clearly not at her best" gloats Treguard.
"At my best? At my best? So you have come to gloat have you Treguard?", wails Lillith.
"Why yes madam for I see you are one most frightful sight, and that's coming from someone who's going to turn orange next Season!" he replies.
Lillith continues... "May I remind you that I am Lillith and this is my domain and fragile as I am feeling ooh I can still dismiss you". She flings her arms around as if swatting flies and Treguard's image flies through the snake mouth.
"Ooh there's someone else over there!", Lilliths eyesight is clearly failing her, either that or Akash blends in very well with the scenery. "*cough* who are you?". Akash seems unable to stop from telling everyone his full name when a simple "Akash" would suffice. Hell he could even just stick to "Ak" at least then his name could be said before the quest is over.
Lillith has clearly had one very bad night either that or there's another Akash running around the dungeon, for she mistakes him for "Akash the Headache healer" when in fact he is "Akash Ram Tarrey dungeoneer of the worst team ever!".
"Oh what have you got for a gigantic hango... er I mean headache", asks Lillith. Maybe she was up all night drinking with Gumboil the resident alcoholic of the Season. Either way she's clearly about it and a shining example of what a night drinking Hooch can really do to kiddies.

"No Ice Pack! No Ice Pack! How can you cure my headache with no ice pack? You are an intruder! How dare you come here pretending you are what you are not.", she shrieks as if the headache had gone. "Do you want the gem?", says Akash trying his best to interrupt her rehearsed lines. "I have no time for boys like you so crumble ledge and Akash too", she wails.
"Oh poor old Akash you really needed for information from Igneous girls because without you chose the poison instead of the Ice Pack. Well now it's time for you to join Akash but not I'm glad to say down in the pits.... DISMISS", Treguard announces. The girls seem to be rather amused by the fact poor Akash has fallen to his death. Perhaps that was their goal all the time, evil geniuses.

Yours was a short journey but a merry one

 
Final Thoughts
Incredible! Absolutely hilarious and an all time classic quest. few teams manage to entertain so well in such little time. They really are the worst team ever to appear on Knightmare though given they have the 2nd shortest quest of them all, though Martins team failed due to harshness than abysmall performance. In all fairness there does have to be one shortest but none manage to screw it up so badly as this. It's well theorised that the team started out in the clue room but failed to answer a single riddle so their quest was in effect restarted hence the lack of the wheel of fate. The troll awarding them with the TRUTH spell would also help re-enforce this theory. But their ineptness isn't just with simple riddles because they even struggle to guide Akash through the appropriate door in the catacomb without assistance from Treguard. This team just clearly didn't know how to put two and two together. So thank you all four of you for providing us with such entertainment. It's a damn good job they managed to remain jovial throughout however. Akash's team is also the first (of only two) one to have a single male dungeoneer and 3 females as advisers, why this is the case only Akash could possibly know. It could be that these 3 girls all fancied him or were related in some way and they probably were the cleverest in school. Doesn't say much for the educational standards though does it. Alas for we must return to the mundane...

Next Team: Team 7 of Series 2
Previous Team: Season 2 Team 5

Footnote
This entry is dedicated to Joe Grocott-James the only person in the entire community to e-mail with praise and encouragement for further work on these write ups.

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